Sorry...

So January isn't quite over, and I have failed miserably on my one New Year's Resolution.  I could make excuses, and tell you that January hasn't been very kind.  I could whine about lots of things, but instead I will tuck my tail and apologize to the universe.  Life is too short to spend any of it feeling sorry for yourself.  My one goal for 2012 is to feel happiness and share it with others and I am doing a terrible job so far.   Here are the ways I suck...

More time with friends -- I have been a terrible friend this month.  I actually forgot that I was invited out to lunch yesterday.   I'm sure that made me look like a total bitch.  To those who I stood up, I truly am sorry.  I will talk to you in person too.  Please know that me missing out on it was a bigger punishment for me than it was for you.

More dates with my husband -- Well, dates are easier if you are in the same state, but even when we have been together I have been too whiny to be any kind of good company.  To my husband, I am sorry I haven't been better company.  I promise that we will have some quality time together very soon.

More fun time as a family -- Since I have spent a large portion of the past month moving from the couch to my bed and back again I am guessing my kids would say there hasn't been a lot of fun in our household. To my kids I am sorry, and I hope you'll give me a do over.  Giving you happy memories is the most important thing in my life.

More time to myself -- If you count laying in my bed then I have had more than my fair share of alone time this month.  However, it was not quality time either.  I apologize to myself for being such lousy company.  Even though I wasn't feeling well it is no excuse for laying around watching crappy TV for a month.

So there you have it.  My heartfelt apology to the world.  I will do better.

Even more important than the warmth and affection we receive, is the warmth and affection we give. It is by giving warmth and affection, by having a genuine sense of concern for others, in other words through compassion, that we gain the conditions for genuine happiness. More important than being loved, therefore, is to love. ~~ Dalai Lama

My Life's Soundtrack Part 1

So it's been quite a rough week.  After Bear's meet I got very sick.  It started with a headache that wouldn't quit and ended with a diagnosis of pneumonia.  Curly is sick too.  She has bronchitis, and so we are both taking tone of medicine.  Bear is unhappy because we are both too tired to play.  John was out of town until Thursday then left again on Saturday night.  Even our cat is sick so I need to take her to the vet tomorrow.  So staying true to my resolution to be happy has been difficult. 

I decided that a fun blog post will help, and what is more fun than music.  I have had a strange and varied past when it comes to music.  I thought a trip down memory lane could be fun.

My first favorite song was "My Sharona" by The Knack.  I remember sitting on my bed next to my old am clock radio that I got from my Grandpa when he got a new one.  I would wait and wait for them to play the song.  I was only 7 when it came out, but I remember it so well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVdnqEyToqg

From then on I don't have many specific memories for a few years.  I listened to pop music, and whatever came on the radio.

When "Thriller" was released I fell in love with Michael Jackson.  Of course I loved that album, but I ended up buying all his records.  I had just gotten a record player, and spent lots of time listening to his Off the Wall album.  "Rock With You" was my favorite song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nleyNwzWwk

Around that same time I, like every other tween girl, discovered Madonna.  Once again, while my friends loved "Like a Virgin" I went for a less likely favorite.  "Lucky Star"  It's so funny when you consider the artist she eventually grew into, but I LOVED it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThHz9wlBeLU

Very soon after I found a new love WHAM!  More specifically George Michael.  I wanted to marry him.  Now I realize that he is so unbelievably gay, but I was only 12, and we didn't talk about that sort of thing then.  It's hard to say which song was my favorite. I loved pretty much every song they released.  However I am going to go with "Last Christmas" mostly because all the covers I heard this Christmas made me smile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZhoF9Isf0o

I also discovered Prince around the same time.  Once again I loved everything about him and his music.  My favorite has to be "When Doves Cry"  It was so different than anything I ever heard before.  It was so sexy, and I was at "that age"  I still believe that Prince is one of the best songwriters of all time.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5792204981326161348

Don't think I forgot about George Michael though.  When his Faith album came out I listened to nothing else for weeks.  It felt so rebellious to sing along to a song with the lyrics "I want your sex."  I was 14.  My favorite song was probably the title track.  Of course it helped that the music video showed a lot of George Michael's butt!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu3VTngm1F0

Then I got a boyfriend, and he was not a traditional guy.  He was into the Cure and since I was an insecure teenage girl I was into the Cure too.  Actually,  they arrived in my life at the perfect moment of teenage angst.  I would lock myself in my room for hours and listen to the cassette he had made me on my walkman.  In retrospect I am not sure how I escaped slitting my wrists, but I did.  Now I look back fondly at the more upbeat songs like "The Love Cats"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcW35t2Gtyk

For the rest of high school I stuck to mostly pop. My best friend was into metal, but I never really got it.  The closest thing I liked was Def Leopard.  "Pour Some Sugar on Me" was really pretty poppy, but I think it still counts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQ4xwmZ6zi4

I almost forgot t one of my best memories from high school.  I was a band geek, and whenever we took a bus trip we would spend it singing.  We sang lots of current pop songs (like the aforementioned Def Leopard song), but every trip we would end up singing "Lean on Me." I know it is cheesy, but it makes me so happy to remember it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPoTGyWT0Cg

So that is only the first half of my life, but it is a good stopping point for now.  Looking up all these favorites did the job for me; hope it brings some happiness to you as well!

Dance and Gymnastics Ramblings (Again...)

Sometimes I feel like all I talk about is my kids' activities.  As I look back over this blog I see that I am pretty careful to try to mix it up, so bear with me today because we are in the thick of both their seasons and so I have tons to get off my chest talk about.

Curly is dancing non-stop.  She takes a total of at least 6 1/2 hours of dance per week (more many weeks), but that isn't what I am talking about.  Before she lost her mojo she danced everywhere we went.  It drove me crazy!  Then through the experience of being told she wasn't good enough by insensitive teachers she lost her passion.  She stopped dancing.  As much as I wanted her to stand still in the grocery line, I was so sad for her.  Then all of a sudden she started again recently.  At least now it is lyrical instead of noisy tap.  It is such a symbol of the reawakening of her love of dance.  I am so happy for her.  However I am worried about what the future holds for her.  She is definitely a big fish in a little pond when it comes to the competitive team she is on now.  In truth there is only one girl who is anywhere near the dancer Curly is, and she doesn't have the technical training to back up her natural gifts.  This status is one of the reason Curly has gotten her confidence back, but the situation will not allow for growth.  The best thing about this team is that next weekend they have a recital with student choreographed works.  Curly choreographed a solo to "The Lonely" by Christina Perri and a duet with a friend to "Courage Is" by The Strange Familiar.  They are both very good, but her solo is as good if not better than anything the group is doing (including the stuff choreographed by the teachers).  The director of the program sent me an e-mail telling me that so it is not just a mother's pride.  I can't wait to see her next weekend, but once that is done I am not sure what will happen.  The competition season starts right after, and they are totally unprepared.  They are supposed to do three dances, but they barely have one ready to go.  They have new teachers and they have no idea how to lead.  So they waste so much time!  It's frustrating for Curly.

So we are committed for the rest of the year, but what then?  I think another year of this team would be a waste unless they seriously got their act together.  I am not ready to make a commitment to a big studio again because Curly is not cut out for highly competitive environments.  One of her current teammate's mom thinks we should go rogue and enter them as independents to some of the competitions with their own choreography.  Curly's choreography is very good, but she isn't experienced enough to put together a dance that could win against professionally choreographed routines. 

Bear's gymnastics season is almost halfway over!  Hard to believe.  She is doing well, although the her scores are a bit lower than she wants.  It seems that in level five 9's are hard to come by.  Now that she has her blood sugar under control she seems to be enjoying it more.  Still I HATE our gym.  There I said it.  It's really too bad because the owner of this gym was the reason I picked it.  At the time I felt like he was very involved in the business, and knew nearly all the kids who went there.  Then his wife had a baby, and he became unbelievably distant.  So bad that he has not seen our level compete one time!  He was actually at the place we were competing several times and left when we got there.  That really makes me mad.  We are fortunate to have two coaches that care about our girls, but if we didn't I couldn't stay there.  Julie our floor and beam coach will be leaving after this year (although I am hoping we can convince her to stay through the following year).  If that happens I don't know how they will replace her.  The upper level beam coach is leaving too.  The owner seems to have trouble keeping coaches, and so I am hoping we don't end up with the inconsistencies that some of the other levels have had.

Anyway, there is an update on the things troubling me with the girls activities.   I will post soem good things about their activities soon!!

Happy New Year 2012

I realize that it is Jan. 2 and so I am late in posting my annual resolutions post.  I have the perfect excuse though.  I was busy enjoying the new year.  I got to spend time with friends.  I had a lovely day alone with my amazing husband.  I got to hang out at home with my kids just lounging around and singing karaoke.  I even got a few hours alone just sitting in a book store.  Truly all those happy moments have shaped the resolutions I have decided on for this year, but first I need to recap this year.

First my resolutions from last year...
1. Nurture my family relationships
2. Nurture my soul
3. Nurture my relationship with the world
4. Nurture my body

I made some good progress on each of these goals.  I an especially proud of the first 2/3 of the year.  I am in better health than I was a year ago.  I wrote on the blog consistently, We took more field trips, I worked to reduce clutter in my home, and I most definitely remembered to be thankful for all my many blessings.  I never got around to learning meditation, and I still have trouble delegating, but otherwise I feel pretty successful in terms of my resolutions.



All in all 2011 was a good year.  We went to Florida in Jan., and although that trip involved some drama with my brother's family, a little Florida sunshine is always welcome in the middle of winter.  After that the winter passed quickly.  Bear's very busy and successful gymnastics season added excitement to the dreary winter, and we made some new friends through it too.  Because we ended up going tp Florida again in June our summer seemed far too short, but we tried to make the most of it.  We swam and went to parks.  The girls did a couple of drama camps, and it seemed like we visited 100 local carnivals.  Curly also got to spend time with a new friend who is the sister of one of Bear's teammates.  They have become great friends.  She also tried out for and made an elite dance team which brought even more new friends.


So that brings us through August.  This is when things seemed to go wrong.  We were over scheduled to be sure.  A necessary change in Bear's gymnastics schedule left us with activities on both Sat. and Sun.  Around the same time Bear started having her health issues which was very upsetting for me.  Then Curly had some issues with some friends, which ended well, but also stressed me out.  Before I knew it the holidays were in full swing, and I felt totally unprepared.  We ended up having a nice Christmas, but I never got fully in the spirit. 


So now it is 2012, and I have only one resolution.  I will be happy in 2012.  That's it.  I know it seems oversimplistic, and maybe it is.  John started me on the path.  He is reminding me to take my vitamin D every day.  Lack of sunshine makes me moody in winter, and so the vitamin D is worth a shot.  Research shows that exercise is also a great mood elevator.  As usual I will try to start and maintain a workout program.  My kids constant bickering is a definite downer for me.  I have a couple of ways to combat that this year too.  However, there is one simple path to happiness for me.  I must make time for the specific things that make me happy.  Which leads me back to the past couple days, and how great they were. 

1. I need time with friends.  I am in a strange predicament because I have several distinct groups of friends.  This means that I need to make time to get together with at least 3 different groups.  Still I should be able to do that at least once a month.  There are people I have been missing simply because I haven't made seeing them a priority, and that needs to stop.
2. I need more dates with my husband.  At least once a month we need grownup time. A nice meal without kids can be just the opportunity we need to remember how much we enjoy each others company.
3. As a family we need to do more fun things.  Because our lives are so hectic we tend to veg out whenever we have down time, and that is ok.  But wasting all our free time on our computers doesn't help us bond.  The girls are growing up so fast. I can't help but worry that it won't be long before they don't want to do things with us.  For now we need to spend more time engaged with them.  They can help cook dinner, or we can play a game together.  Just quality time together (without them fighting or John and I getting easily aggravated) needs to be valued.
4. I have struggled with this resolution for several years now.  I have wanted to put it on the list, but I feel guilty admitting how much I need it.  However, with the idea that my happiness will impact the happiness of those around me I am ready to put it down on paper.  I need some time to myself.  I think 4 or 5 hours once a month would be enough.  This time needs to be all at once, and it has to be separate from the time I devote to spending with others.  The time needs to be spent doing something I couldn't (or wouldn't) do with others.  I might shop for clothes, sit in a bookstore, or hang out in  coffee shop.

So there you have it.  I promise to make time for fun this year.  

My Big Fat Update

I read a ton of blogs, and I belong to several online communities with message or discussion boards.  One thing that drives me crazy is that people seem to think that everyone wants to listen to them whine all the time.  The one board I am on has had almost no good news since before last Christmas.  I remember them excited to kick 2010 out the door,  and now they feel the same about 2011.  If their lives really are so devoid of positive experiences then that is sad.  My guess is that they save all their bitching for these online groups.  Why?  What you write down on the internet last so much longer than what you say in real life.  Our online communications will be a snapshot of us long after we are gone.  What does the picture look like?

This is what I am thinking of when I sit down to blog, and consequently when I am feeling crabby or down I don't blog.  Problem is, I am not creatign an accurate snapshot either.  As I read back over my posts of the past few months I feel like there isn't much of me in them.  This blog is a catch all.  My intention was for it to have posts about my feeling on issues, descriptions of our brand of homeschooling, and personal posts. I have noticed that I have a very difficult time with the personal posts (especially lately).  I think it is because I am tryign to force some positive experiences into it, and, lately, when happy things are happening I don't feel like blogging because I am busy enjoying them; and when not so great things are happening I am not in a hurry to immortalize them here.

So I am extremely behind on this blog.  I will do a super quick update on the major events of the past few months...

1. The doctor thinks Bear has hypoglycemia.  She was having what appeared to be panic attacks, but on closer inspection they seem to be related to her consumption of sugar.  We are treating it with dietary changes, but she is being a total PITA about it.  She doesn't want to eat frequently; she doesn't want to make the healthiest choices, etc.  Trying to keep he rfed has become the biggest stress in my life.
2. Actually Bear is being a PITA about a lot of things.  In her  whole life she has only really gotten under my skin a handful of times, but lately it is an every day occurrence.  I am not sure if it is because of her stress with her health or just her age, but I feel totally unprepared to deal with her stubbornness. 
3. Bear is still doing gymnastics, but I am not sure if she will continue it after this season.  I think she will have a very successful season in terms of winning, but it has lost much of its sparkle for her.  There are many places to lay blame about it, hypoglycemia, her clueless male coach, being so much younger than her teammates, her best friend quitting the sport, etc.  Bottom line is that she spends far too much time at the gym for it not to be something she loves.
4. Curly is dancing more than she ever has before.  She is taking a ballet technique class which I think is very good for her, and she is a member of a competition team through a park district.  The competition team is fun, but so far seems to be a waste of time and money from a competition standpoint.  The coaches are very young (17-20), and they are completely unprepared to be in charge of the girls.  On the plus side, Curly is one of the best in the class, and her confidence in dance is coming back.
5. She is also finally maturing in her dealings with people.  She had a very rough patch where she decided she was tired of "always" being the one who gave in, and she because the bully.  I understood her frustration because she surrounds herself with fairly string personalities and she felt bowled over a lot of the time.  Still her behavior landed her in hot water with her friends, and I was ready to send her off to boarding school for the way she was treating her sister.  She eventually had an eye opening experience with her friends, and it was a turning point for her.  She is actually the most emotionally stable I have ever seen her.
6. Our homeschool group is barely hanging on.  I really miss it, but since I feel like I am barely hanging on I can't rescue it.  I have planned nearly all the activities we have done for the past year.  I don't mind doing it, but right now it is too much.  We have book club once a month, so at least we get to see our friends, but I miss seeing them more regularly.  Several of them are joining a co-op, but i just can't bring myself to do it right now.  The next three months are so busy.  So our friends will get together for the co-op, and we will see them even less...
7. Math is going ok.  The girls are using Teaching Textbooks, and although I am not in love with it, it does the job.  Bear is doing 4th grade which is a bot too easy for her, and Curly is doing 6th grade which is the perfect level for her.  Some days she gets distracts during the problems and makes stupid mistakes like adding instead of subtracting or forgetting her place holder zeros, but none of her mistakes suggest that she doesn't understand all the problems.
8. Curly finished her online literature class yesterday.  Mostly it was a success.  The last few weeks were spent reading All Creatures Great and Small.  She hated the book, and I have to agree with her.  I will read just about anything, but this was pure torture.  Curly was having a time management problem at the time they started the book.  She had several big projects due at the same time, and she had spent too much time on her new passion (more on that later).  So I had no pity for her when she fell behind in the reading.  She was crying and saying that the book was too hard, and I was sure she was just upset that she was so far behind.  Finally, I picked up the book.  Ugh!!! So I told her I would read it to her.  In truth I read parts of it to her and paraphrased parts.  It is one of the only books I have ever read that I found no redeeming value in.
9. Curly is a budding filmmaker.  She spends the bulk of her time shooting films and editing them in i-movie.  She taught herself how to use the program, and she is pretty good at it already.  I am so excited to see developing a passion for something.  
10. The Christmas spirit has not really been in my heart.  I went through all the motions.  I put out the decorations; I shopped for the presents; I wrapped them; I hosted a big family gathering; etc.  Still I have been struggling to get in the mood for it.  Today my Mom is taking the girls and I to the mall to enjoy some people watching.  I want to want to go, but I really don't feel like it.  Still I will put on my game face, and give it the old college try.

So there you have it.  You are caught up.  There is not quite enough good news in there for my tastes, but it is accurate.  Hopefully after today I will have some positive experiences to share.  Or at least some funny stories about crazy Christmas shoppers!

The Joys of Winter!

This weekend is a well needed break.  The life we have chosen is sometimes more hectic than I think we can handle.  Bear's gymnastics schedule consumes so much of our time, and this year Curly is dancing nearly as much.  When you add in the constant nagging feeling that I do not do enough with the girls' school it can become unbearable.  So  long weekend like this is really nice.  Bear still has gymnastics on Sunday, but Curly's dance was off yesterday, and Monday we have NOTHING on the calendar.  Yay!!!

So yesterday we started decorating for Christmas.  I tried putting on Christmas music, but I wasn't quite ready for it.  There is another problem.  I LOVE my fall decorations, but I am not in love with my winter stuff.  So every year when I change my stuff out I feel sad about putting away the fall things.  I guess it mirrors my feelings about the seasons.  I have never liked winter, and fall has always been my favorite.  This year will be different.  I am determined to not just tolerate winter, but try to enjoy the special things that only happen in winter!  But first I think I may buy myself a few new winter decorations.  Also, I have to figure out where to put the tree.  I love having it in my front window, but it makes my already dark living room even darker!   I think I do this every year, and every year it ends up in my front window again.  So maybe I just need to add light inside the house...

Anyway, I am determined to enjoy this winter.  I scheduled very little school for the months of Dec. Jan. and Feb.  because I knew we would be busy with dance and gymnastics competitions.  SO that means we can devote ourselves to fun.  In Dec. we will be doing LOTS of crafts.  My hope is that the girls will have homemade gifts to nearly everyone.  Not crappy stuff that will get thrown away, but nice thoughtful gifts that will be treasured.

I leave you with a poem that almost makes winter sound like fun.

A Winter Ride by Amy Lowell

Who shall declare the joy of the running!
Who shall tell of the pleasures of flight!
Springing and spurning the tufts of wild heather,
Sweeping, wide-winged, through the blue dome of light.
Everything mortal has moments immortal,
Swift and God-gifted, immeasurably bright.
So with the stretch of the white road before me,
Shining snowcrystals rainbowed by the sun,
Fields that are white, stained with long, cool, blue shadows,
Strong with the strength of my horse as we run.
Joy in the touch of the wind and the sunlight!
Joy! With the vigorous earth I am one. 

 Enjoy!!! 

Let the Festivities Begin...

Today I need to be festive.  Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the holiday season, and I want to get started with a band.  Problem is... I'm just not feeling it.  I am not ready to host.  I didn't actually get my house as clean as I wanted or as much of the prep work done over the past few days because I have been dealing with some health issues for Bear and some girl drama issues for Curly.  My parents won't be here for Thanksgiving, and instead are spending it with my brother's ungrateful family.  Then my cat knocked a glass of cold water on my head this morning to wake me up.   Not a festive alarm.  So how do I recover?  Can I recover?

A few weeks ago I was sitting at Cracker Barrell with my girls and my Mom.  Within my line of sight there were two very old couples at separate tables.  I love to people watch, and so I spent part of my time just watching.  I saw one of the couple playfully teasing each other.  Their conversations were light and warm and relaxed.  The other couple barely spoke at all, but it wasn't the comfortable silence of two people who need no words to communicate.  It was a tense, hard, cold silence broken only by an occasional clank of a fork hitting the plate too hard.  These couples got me thinking about what sort of "old person" I will be.  Will, I have grown to the point that I no longer first see red, and then have t calm myself down?  Will I be able to have compassion for those who haven't found inner peace, or will I be annoyed that they haven't figured it out yet?

This led me to think about who I am now.   Is it who I want to be?  Am I the type of person I would like to be?  The answer is sometimes yes... and sometimes no.  I realize that we are all works in progress, and as such we should be slowly and steadily improving ourselves, but sometimes I get so impatient with myself.  If I know who I want to be, and I know that it is a simple choice to be that person why don't I consistently make that choice?

And so on this festive day, I will make that choice at least for today.  I will be calm and thankful, and I will choose to be festive as well.  We only have so many Thanksgivings (my favorite holiday).  So wasting one would be to deny myself something I love.  Even worse it would be denying my family the best I have to offer.  To help me get happy, I will list some people I am so very THANKFUL for...

My husband and my girls who are my very life force
My parents who have balanced unconditional love with high expectations my whole life
My in-laws who travel here every year to help make memories with my girls
My brother and his family who remind me that there are always different viewpoints
My friend Amy who the very memory of our times makes me smile
My friend Shannon who I am able to be honest with
My friend Kim who is ready with a hug or a pat on the shoulder
My friend Heather who makes me laugh all the time
All the other people I make chat with at the girls activities for helping me pass the time in fun way

I am also thankful for the things I have like a home, a car, my couch... but those things pale in comparison for what I am most thankful for... I am thankful that I have no reason not to be festive.  Sure there are little things that aren't perfect, but I have no real problems!  If that isn't a reason to celebrate I don't know what is.

Happy Thanksgiving! Go Celebrate :-)