Clean Slate

There is nothing like spending a bit of time in rural Iowa to clear your head. After a long car ride or two and some quality time away from home I have realized what my dear Hubbie has been drilling into my head for the past few months. People and events that lead to me feeing bad about things I cannot change need to be cut loose. So with that in mind I am turning over a new leaf. I have never been a person who worried too much about what others think of me. It might the because in my life I have been both the outcast and the cool kid, and I know that in both cases I was still just me. So I have no idea why I let the events of the past few months get under my skin the way they have. I guess someone calling me mean is my kryptonite. Still within my heart I know I have not been mean. I feel comfortable with my actions. If others don't then that is no longer my problem. That is not to say I won't accept criticism. Obviously if someone talks to me about something specific that I did or said that offended them or upset them I will try it work it out. However, there is no defense against the general "you are mean" or "you ignored me" attack. Therefore, I refuse to even acknowledge those attacks. From here on out I am only ready to work with people who want resolution.

So now that I have that off my chest I need to move forward with my life. As I have mentioned our homeschooling is evolving. That means our needs are changing. My goal is to figure out what those needs are and what I need to do to fill those needs. That may include recruiting more members for our homeschool group. It may include joining a different group, or it may even include starting over. The only thing I am certain about is that if I want something different than I have now I am going to have to work for it. Actually I feel like just writing that down lifts the fog I have been under, and dare I say it... I feel excited for the adventure!

I am sad...

I have tried to sleep... it isn't working
I have tried yoga... I can't even breathe right let alone do a pose
I have tried thinking... it just makes my head hurt
I guess the last resort is to type...

I need to remember that the world's happiness is not mine to give or take away. Only my own happiness is mine. I have many reasons to be happy...

My amazing marriage. In less than a month we will be celebrating our 15 year anniversary. He knows exactly how to help me through any problem. He understands when I need to be left alone; he knows when I need a hug; he knows when I need a devil's advocate. He just knows...

My beautiful daughters. Even on days when I feel at my wits end they will do something or say something that makes me smile. Q-bert is so loving and empathetic. Even her little neurosis make me love her more. Bear, my little ball of energy, the way she looks at world from an entirely different angle makes me adore her.

My parents. I am lucky enough to really know my parents as an adult. I love the relationship they have with my kids. They show me respect and give me praise when I need it even now. My Mom still gives me great advice on a regular basis. The cool thing is that she takes advice from me too. I could count on my Dad for anything. I have no doubt he would give up his life to save me or my kids in a heartbeat.

My in-laws. As I listen to others talk about their in-laws I realize how lucky I am. My in-laws come to my house and are appreciative, not demanding. Even though many of our life choices confuse them or even upset them, they don't jab at me about them. They love my kids.

Extended family. Although I do not see my extended family weekly or even monthly, I do see them several times per year. It is always comfortable. I love it that my kids know their third cousins and great uncles and great aunts.

A couple of great friends. I am not the person to let large numbers of people into my inner circle. Maybe it's because I have such great family ties, but I do have a small number of people to share with. Some I have known for a long time; some I have known for a relatively short time. It is nice to have people who I can just sit and chat with (or be quiet with) and feel good.

A wide circle of close aquaintances. I move in a lot of different circles, and it's nice to know that almost everywhere I go I have someone who will say hello. I am not always the best about meeting new people, but I have ventured out enough that, at least for now, I can feel comfortable in the places I frequent.

So as I read back over the list I realize I have nothing to be sad about really... I wish I could believe me.

Despair is the conclusion of fools.
-Beaconsfield

Big Changes are on the Way

I recently discovered that I have MANY blog posts started that I never finish. I though I would try to finish some of them...

"Big changes are on the way" That's what my last fortune cookie said. Not that I put a lot of stock in that sort of thing, but in this case I really feel that I am on the edge of something new. The weird thing is that I am having trouble figuring out exactly what need changing and how...

I started that post abut a month ago. I guess some of the the changes have been revealed to me (some have thrust themselves upon me). The good news is that I know that every ending is just a new beginning. I know that it is ok to feel sad that something is over, but when I look in my heart I know it is for the best. I know I should be grateful for the lessons I have learned from these experiences. I know that I should be as excited about the future as I am sad about the past...

Part of me is just lazy because I know that applying these lessons will be a lot of work. No one said that getting what I wanted would be easy... Wish me luck!!!